Wolff rating: MOSTLY HARMLESS
Plot summary: Beowulf comes to town to slaughter Grendel and work on his nifty collection of sharp pointy things.
Biased, pithy comments: Set in what the back of the box calls a ``techno-futile'' future (which means medieval except when it was too expensive---watch for the nicely tailored leather gloves), this starts out promisingly enough with a big battle, lots of extras, and a screaming Patricia Velazquez in torn clothing. However, it quickly slows down (apparently the execs are expected to stop watching at that point and just sign the distribution deal), and the movie limps along like a broken-backed cockroach. The padding and stretch seriously nearly put me to sleep, even when I was trying to come up with quips. (My best referred to one of the weapons held by the extras which could only be called ``The Wheel of Ouchie'' or (as my brother suggested) ``The Bottle Opener.'') It's a skip, despite Rhona Mitra wearing clothes that expose enough chest to give her pneumonia during the shoot (you can see everyone's breath during most of the scenes, even inside, implying some mightly cold sets). Unless you have a leather fetish and need costume ideas, watch something better.
Other Notes: Mitra is the body that inspired Lara Croft from ``Tomb Raider.'' Velazquez you'll know from ``The Mummy.'' Apparently the fate of the weaponsmaster is left to your imagination. Otto is a really, really big guy---six and a half feet tall. He was Mr. Stamper in ``Tomorrow Never Dies,'' where he was vastly underused.
How many times I have seen it: x1
Starring: Christopher Lambert, Rhona Mitra, Oliver Cotton, Goetz Otto, Patricia Velazquez.
Directed by: Graham Baker