Wolff rating: FAIR
Plot summary: Our mesomorph hero finds himself king, and then inadvertantly freeing a thousands-of-years-old evil witch queen.
Biased, pithy comments: Dino de Laurentis's daughter (son? Hard to say with that name) comes up with this idea of capitalizing on the recent success of the ``Hercules'' and ``Xena'' TV shows by putting out a movie aimed at the core audience of 12 year old boys. Since Dino put together the original ``Conan the Barbarian'' film which essentially made his (and Arnold Schwartzenegger's) career, she figured this was a sure-fire hit. It turns out that TV's Hercules, Kevin Sorbo, is free for the summer and looking for a movie. This is a role he could do in his sleep, and by rewriting the not-filmed 3rd Conan movie, they're ready to do for the barbarian genre what ``Scream'' did for the slasher genre. Let's just say it doesn't work. I like Sorbo, but he's only sort of talented; it's really the goofy writing and the strength of 3,000 year old legends that keep the TV show alive, though he always comes off as a genuinely nice guy. The script is based on a short-lived Conan knock-off by Conan's original author, Robert E. Howard (he stole from himself all the time; one could probably successfully argue he only ever really wrote one story, just lots of times). There are moments of camp and a few (forlorn) moments of humor, and some OK rough-and-tumble combat, but director Nicolella ain't no Sam Raimi---it's shot like a poor episode of Xena, with the same sort of low-budget special effects. One can see this was really thrown together---watch closely as Sorbo is sprinting up the steps into the Cathedral just after he's rescued the damsel from the pyre; he trips. ``Should we reshoot that, Ms. de Laurentis?'' ``No, just print it.'' Filmed on location in Croatia, this was probably shot in about 3 weeks during one of the cease-fires. However, beyond the iffy acting and soggy script, the biggest sin is a mistake as old as ``Ladyhawke.'' The score, often the only redeeming point in barbarian films, is suffused with screaming 80s arena-rock electric guitars. That guarantees this films' short shelf-life. But, then again, I watched probably 20 B- barbarian films after I saw the original ``Conan the Barbarian'' (an honest-to-goodness classic), and this is probably near the middle of that pack. It has convenient pauses in the dialog to shout comebacks. But Sorbo comes off as just a hair too smart to really play Kull; Kull is a wily thug, not a thinking man.
Other Notes: I'm not making this up. Carrere (the prime evil queen) and her lead henchman are talking, and the lead henchman is complaining about how she's altering their deal. She replies, ``Pray I do not alter it further.'' Like we haven't already seen Empire Strikes Back? With the placement of the sheets during the tame sex scenes, it's clear that no genitals could possibly touch one another. I dunno about you, but that's not really how most people I know have sex.
How many times I have seen it: x1
Starring: Kevin Sorbo, Tia Carrere, Thomas Ian Griffith, Litefoot, Roy Brocksmith, aHarvey Fierstein, Karina Lombard.
Directed by: John Nicolella